It’s not supposed to look like I’m swimming in a tall non-fat latte w/ a caramel drizzle! *stchups*😒
When I first got married my husband and I would go to Panama City to the beach. I was not impressed. 😒
The seaweed would just be a floating on by chasing me. Eventually, I couldn’t do it so I’d get out of the water and go to the pool. Back then my husband used to call me a “beach snob”. Why? Because the beach was not up to my liking, the beach was not the level, dare I say the caliber of beach that my Caribbean-self expected. 🙄 🤷🏾
Fast forward to the present, we’ve been on five cruises together so not only has he seen the beaches in the Virgin Islands, in Grand Cayman, and in the Bahamas he’s seen the beaches in Greece … and he has been introduced to another level of beach.
Now my husband is a beach snob! 😂
He was in Mexico, I think it was Mazatlan, and he was like “this sand is not up to par, this sand is too dark, this sand is too coarse, there’s not enough shade on this beach” and I was like “I know that’s right!” 🙄 🤷🏾 😂
A beach has to have certain characteristics 👩🏾🏫:
- Water needs to look like blue jello.Can I get an amen? If your water does not look like blue jello or a bottle of clear nail polish … uuuh uhn … no boo. You can call it a beach if you want to. 🙄
When I was a kid my mom and dad took me to Washington DC. I could see the Potomac out of the window. I was a child from the Virgin Islands … I grew up in paradise … so I looked at my mother and asked her what that was below me because I legitimately thought it was a chocolate milk factory and I just couldn’t comprehend what I was looking at. 🤷🏾 My mother was like “No I think that’s the Potomac that’s the color the water is up here.” 😐
My husband went home with me one time we were getting off the ferry boat in Tortola, British Virgin Islands and he stood next to the boat on the dock and looked down and realized that he could see the whole bottom of the boat through the water and there were fish and a turtle swimming. He turns to me and says “I’m not supposed to be able to see that” and I was like “On what planet?” 😐
- A quality beach needs to have white and or slightly pink sand.We went to Hilton Head this past week for a family reunion. Hilton Head is in South Carolina and I’m not gonna lie, I had low expectations for the beach because as I told y’all I’m a beach snob. 🤷🏾 The sand in the back of the beach was ah-ight but when you get down to the water near the shore of the beach it was all bad. 😧 The color of the sand and the color of the water and the color of me and my son was too close together. I should not be able to lose my child on the beach! There was this whole line of seaweed delineating between the powdery sand and the brown sand and I’m assuming that’s because the tide comes in and out and because the tide comes in and out you had to step over a line of bush and seaweed to get where you were trying to go WHET?! 😐
Next problem was is was *blink* … the sand was too fine. Like it was bordering on mud. Perfect sand consistency is ground fine enough that it feels nice when you step on it but not that fine that it’s too light. It was like you were mixing chocolate powder in your milk. It’s not designed to sit at the bottom like it is in the Virgin Islands it’s floating all in the water. So the water is all murky and brown got me looking like I’m swimming in Ovaltine. It’s not supposed to look like I’m swimming in a chai tea latte!!
If you go to Magens Bay beach in St. Thomas, United States Virgin Islands (which is the most perfect beach on the planet in my mind and you can fight me) there is a very small shore-to-shade distance okay? 👩🏾🏫 Your car is here, there’s a canopy of trees here, from here to here it’s perfectly inclined wonderful white sand, and then right here the blue jello water. The amount of hot sand that you have to step on to get from the shade to the shore is minimal. When I get to these shoreline beaches up here in the States I’m trucking from my car to the beach three five minutes then I got to set up a tent cuz ain’t a likka shade in sight! We out there with umbrellas, people got tents, I think I saw somebody with a tiny house! It was ridiculous. You got to have a whole wagon dragging behind you with all your worldly possessions just to go on the beach? When I go to the beach the Virgin Islands the only thing I take is a towel!
- Beaches in the Caribbean are more private.I went to Miami Beach one time, which is a nice beach, we did get attacked by swarms of jellyfish, but it’s a nice beach. It was ridiculously packed. Hilton Head? Ridiculously packed, no matter when we went. Panama City? Ridiculously packed. You know why? Because the people-to-beach-and- shoreline ratio is humongous up here in the States. 👩🏾🏫 In the Virgin Islands, you pretty much can claim a direct line of sight from your spot in the shade to the water and no other human will take their place in front of you. So you get a full personal column of beach. Up here you can’t see the water from where you set up your little REI tent with a hot plate and a grill and a refrigerator because there are seven other families with their tents and tiny houses blocking you so you can’t see the chai tea latte that you’re supposed to be swimming in. 🙄
When we were on our trip there last week we went on a tour. I’m chit-chatting with the tour guide and I tell him “Hey have you ever been to the Caribbean?” he’s like “No, see one beat you’ve seen them all, it’s all the same.” *record scratch* I did not want to insult the man. He was in his 70s so you know you got to respect your elders … you know you can’t be just out here like BWAHAHAHA!!! YOU TRIED IT! YOU TRIED IT! Sir. 👏🏾 you. 👏🏾 tried. 👏🏾 it. 👏🏾 … If he thinks for one second that this Pikes Place Roast with Almond Milk that I’m looking at out there is the same as my blue jello water in the Virgin Islands he got another thing coming! Okay, that man has done lost his ever-loving mind! No boo uhn uhn. I was mildly insulted but you know sometimes you got to just let the old people say what they say. 🙄
I have fully owned the fact that I’m a beach snob.
I am a beach snob. I have requirements. I have criteria. I’m #beachbougie. I only put my head in the water if it’s worth it. The sand’ll be brown, I’ll be brown, the water’ll be brown, my hair will be brown. No. It’s a rare beach that will have me go straight under the water head and everything. When I get to Magens Bay in the Virgin Islands first thing I do is head in the water. First thing I do … and I come back up renewed, reinvigorated, and ready to run on! 🙌🏾
I’m reading this book right now about history on the eastern coast of the United States and there’s an old photograph of some people on a beach in like 1920 something and they look miserable. You know why they’re miserable? Because their beach sucks!
I already had a few of my followers tell me don’t talk bad about their beaches. Listen boo boo I’m sorry not sorry. 😐 That’s your beach and you love it … go for it okay … but you take yourself down to the Caribbean one good time and you tell me if your beach is the same level of beach … the same quality … the same caliber? A beach where all you need is a bathing suit, and a towel … and a dream.
You tell me so. You look me full in my face and you tell me so. You can’t. 😐 💁🏾