Inspired by Danielle’s post yesterday over at OKDani.com I changed the name of this blog post. I like the idea of it being a confession.
For the past few months I’ve been feeling strange … like “what’s going on” strange. The feeling is very different than anything I’ve experienced in my 40+ years on this planet, and after some introspection (and outrospection if that’s even a word) I realized what this strange unfamiliar feeling actually is.
I’m lonely y’all.
It’s a weird thing for me to admit much less type and tell the internet, but here I am, a stay-at-home mother of 4 years and primary caretaker to a son with spina bifida and for the first time in my life I must admit I am very lonely.
And it sucks.
So I looked up the word ‘lonely’ (’cause that’s what you do when you’re penning a blog post huh?) and it says
1. affected with, characterized by, or causing a depressing feeling of being alone; lonesome.
2. destitute of sympathetic or friendly companionship, intercourse, support, etc.: a lonely exile.
3. lone; solitary; without company; companionless.
4. remote from places of human habitation; desolate; unfrequented; bleak: a lonely road.
5. standing apart; isolated: a lonely tower.
Yeah, pretty much alladat (lol but seriously).
I’ve always prided myself on my relationships and ability to make them so I think that’s why this new season feels even more strange and concerning. After some thought I pinned down why I believe I feel so isolated and and where the feeling is coming from.
- Clearly being a stay-at-home mom and spending the majority of my time with a child with verbal delays is the primary reason.
- It doesn’t help that I have social anxiety in my neighborhood #stereotypesofablackgirlmisunderstood so basically stay indoors.
- I don’t see my friends on a consistent basis much any more.
A friend of 20+ years stayed the night at my house during a cross-country road trip and her doing so reminded me of how wonderful the feeling of knowing someone well and conversation just flowing really is. If I’m being honest I do wonder if at age 40 + rarely leaving my house beyond running errands and taking my son to therapy appointments lends itself to eventually developing any new relationships. Maybe, maybe not.
I’m typing this post because it’s therapeutic and I think it will help someone reading it who feels the same but is afraid to tell anyone. I have a couple large trips coming up next month that are taking my mind off this feeling a bit, at least for now. I’m also trying to make changes, like yesterday I went to breakfast with a friend and we’re trying to put in on the calendar on a repeated basis. I may just do that with a few other people so I have something to look forward to and a reason to leave the house besides a hospital visit, groceries, or a physical therapy appointment. I’ve also started taking walks around my neighborhood and not taking off my bandana when I go get the mail or trash can from the curb because my edges are being laid and my neighbors will have to learn and deal. #blackgirlproblems
So what is your confession?
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