Mental Health

“Burn the ships.” said my therapist. “Huh? What does that mean?” I replied.  “It means you have no plan B to keep falling back on, you eliminate your exit strategy and make your plan A work.” he replied.  “Oh” I said, heart starting to beat faster for some reason. “When are you gonna burn the ships?”.  I just stared because I couldn’t respond.

This discourse (or a similar one) happened during a session with my therapist over a year ago.  After that, he often said the phrase “burn the ships” during my sessions. I haven’t been to my therapist in over half a year now (and I miss going something fierce), but I still hear his voice saying things to me; one of which is “When will you burn the ships?”.

*BIG OLE SIGH*

The other day curiosity got the best of me and I looked up the phrase ”burn the ships” and learned that it is a reference to Spanish explorer Hernando Cortez and the unprecedented action he took when coming to the new world. Legend has it that he arrived with 500 men on 11 ships, then, after arriving, told the men to burn the ships they came on because to leave they would have to win and would be able to leave on the adversary’s ships.  This motivated the men to win against the Aztec Empire when all others had failed for hundreds of years, due in part to the fact that they had no other option: it was win or die.  Urban legend or not, the tale has motivated many for years.

Before I get ahead of myself, let me share what topic my therapist was referencing: my day job.  I graduated from university in 1997 with a degree in business and have worked for the past 15 years in Corporate America, generally in information technology (although technically now I’m in Marketing).  I don’t like my field of work.  Not only that, I would not have gotten the degree I got from college if I felt at the time it was my choice. I did not. I did what others directed me to do, got a degree I was directed to get, and have worked for almost 1/2 my life doing the type of job I was directed to do.  That my friends, is the awful truth. Don’t get me wrong now, I’m good at my job (hence the continuity of my career and ability to get positions in my field), I just don’t care for it and am bored beyond tears.  I haven’t felt challenged or delighted in this field for longer than I can remember.

So, as you can imagine, my therapist was referencing when I’m going to stop cycling back into a career that drains my will to live just because it’s easy to do.  I couldn’t respond to him back then, and don’t know if I can right now … but I do know that I’m closer to a response today than I was when he 1st asked me.  At the time I remember clearly thinking “I can’t do that” and what I meant by “can’t” is “they won’t let me”. The “they” included all the people who in my past, and present, have advised me to stay the course, even to my psychological detriment, because it’s a “good job” and “I need to be level headed” and “[insert be-stable endorsement here]“.  Amazing how I have such a permission-based thought process in this area huh? More on that at another time.  I totally get where they are coming from and I’ve followed their advice for decades now. As a 35 year old adult with a baby on the way, bills have to be paid and responsibilities met … but as I sit here now I realize a lot of things that I did not clearly look at before:

1. I have been getting the same advice way before any major adult responsibilities kicked in
2. All the stay-the-course advisers are desk-bound, generally to office jobs
3. The majority say they will “start a business one day”
4. The majority are well off by society’s standards {meaning, prestigious office job, nice cars, nice clothes, self-sufficient etc.} yet grumble about their jobs
5. I do not gravitate toward any of these adviser’s lives as a goal for myself
6. Every non-ordinary-life-liver has encouraged me to “burn the ships”

Interesting huh?

To add to the discussion, I just found out this past Monday that my contract at this job will not be renewed past February.  I started this contract in March of 2010 and it was to be for 2 months. Two years later, here I sit.  I am ok with it, but not sure where the money will come from that this contract provided.  At this point all my stay-the-course advisers have told me to go get another office job immediately.  Conversely my burn-the-shippers have told me to hustle on my blog, vlog, and through other venues that interest me because they know I can do it even if I’m not making the same amount as I previously was.

Interesting huh?

As an aside, why is success in our culture measured by money? That’s a different topic for a different day.

Now the question is, what will I ultimately do?  *sigh*

Am I strong enough at this point (sans therapy, hormonal, and surrounded by panicked stay-the-coursers) to hustle and make it work, when so often I’ve tried to do just that and have come up short, having to then go back to my ship (which I never burned by the way).  The thing I notice about trying and failing around stay-the-coursers is that they sure let you know about it don’t they?  I actually had someone say to me yesterday “If you were gonna do all that, why hasn’t it happened already?!”. Not only that, I notice that they tend to readily share their own stories of fear and failure that were remedied when they came to their senses and got back on the course.

I don’t know the answer to the question of my strength honestly, but I appreciate all the prayers you all can muster, EXPECIALLY if you are in the burn-the-ship dreamer that believes, even after multiple failures that anything is possible. I could really use hearing that someone believes in me over the cacophony of naysayers.

“The environment that creates winners is almost always made up of winners.”
~ Barbara Sher, Wishcraft, 1979 

Until next time Glam Fam I wish youLife, Liberty & The Pursuit of Nappyness,

~~~~~~

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