Mental Health

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Television legend and Soul Train creator and host Don Cornelius allegedly ended his own life early this morning. There are so many awesome posts floating around the internet today that honor his life and give details of his amazing and record-breaking career. Here are a few:

Many sentiments I have read across the web really make an effort to focus on his life and not how he may have died.  I applaud this perspective because it definitely has its place, however, being a person who has struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts for almost 2 decades, I plan on focusing on how he may have died. First let me say this … whenever I hear that someone has taken their own life my stomach drops into my feet and I sigh so deeply in my soul.  I do so because, unlike many it seems, I totally get where that person’s mind was/is at the time that they just wanted life to stop, for the noise to end. Before I go on, no one needs to write me any lengthy notes about the value of life at this time. I’m ok, I’m not there right now … but I have been and I can relate and understand the mind of the depressed and suicidal.  This post is really for the person who has and is struggling with depression … you, yes you … sitting there feeling like now one understands where you are.  If anyone else gleans from it then that’s ok too.

I believe musicians tend to say it best:

It’s not an easy road
ah-many see the glamour and the glitter
so them think ah bed of rose.
Who feels it knows
Ooh Lord help me sustain these blows!
From the minute of birth you enter this earth
obstacles inna your way to overcome first
Throughout everyday they seem to get worse
Oh my God cast away this curse
~ Buju Banton

Sunday is gloomy,
My hours are slumberless
Dearest the shadows
I live with are numberless
Little white flowers
Will never awaken you
Not where the black coach of
Sorrow has taken you
Angels have no thought
Of ever returning you
Would they be angry
If I thought of joining you?

~ Billie Holiday

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
And their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I’m dying
Are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you
‘Cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It’s a very, very
Mad World
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what’s my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me
~ Tears For Fears

Prayerfully this post is not too gloomy for the masses, but it’s necessary in light of today’s events.  I have to say something for all of those secretly suffering with mental illness, discouragement, depression etc. I can’t just “not focus” on something that is such a HUGE part of the person’s existance for possibly a long time and, unfortunately, that they did not overcome.  Something that they may have very well wanted and NEEDED to be focused on to provide them with understanding, solace, practical help and hope.   My heart bleeds for Don and his family.

If anyone is out there reading this and entirely understands the lyrics of the songs I posted, or is feeling depressed, hopeless, or suicidal please please please get help! Life does not have to be so overwhelmingly pointless … there is hope … there is light … you can laugh again … if no one else tells you today, I understand, I really do.

If you, or anyone you know, is depressed, having suicidal thoughts, or just needs to talk to someone

Please call: In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255

1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)
1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)

For Hearing and Speech Impaired with TTY Equipment:

1-800-799-4TTY (4889)
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger because of thoughts of suicide, PLEASE CALL 911

SuicidePreventionLifeline.org

SuicideHotlines.com

SuicideHotlines.com/national.html

 International Association for Suicide Prevention

Warning signs: Suicide Warning Signs

Outside of US, please contact your local emergency number.

I pray that you have finally found peace Don Cornelius, and as always in parting, we wish you love, peace and soul.


@Glamazini | facebook.com/IamGlamazini | youtube.com/Glamazini | Google+

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Did curiousity really kill the cat?

A boss once told me that I ask too many questions.

I’m not even sure why that just popped into my head (it had to be 8-9 years ago now), but I felt like writing about it. Until that point in my life (circa age 27ish), I considered my inquisitive nature a positive attribute. That was the first time that anyone every told me it was a negative.

Well not exactly.

If I really think back, I do remember being told as a child by my parents that I ask a lot of questions (notice the difference between “a lot” and “too many” … quantitative versus judgement) and I was quite aware that such a trait at times seemed to exacerbate them something fierce.  I actually think, as children do, that I used that ability to my advantage with them sometimes (mommy daddy if you’re reading this tee hee sorry *innocent face*).  My dad would often respond to my litany of questions with “To make you ask questions.” LOL!

To finish off the boss story; he then went on to put that sentiment in my performance review and I was penalized for my curiousity.

Here’s the thing though (and why the thought probably popped in my head), here I am at age 35.5 still having that judgement of old … you ask TOO MANY questions … ring in my ears and stop me from asking about things I do not understand for fear of being labled a “too many question asker”. 

Silly huh?

This is a quick post just to say PATHOOWIE to that boss and his incorrect assessment of what I now realize as a skill. Ironically later on (at a different job) I was lauded for “my curious nature” and desire to get the work done right. LOL.

I think I’ll be free of that chain as of right now. *lays that burden down*

Are you letting any external judgements control you, even years later?

Until next time Glam Fam I wish you
Life, Liberty & The Pursuit of Nappyness,

~~~~~~

Disclosure: For more information about the Glamazini.com disclosure policy, click here.

 

 

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Burn The Ships

by glamazini on January 26, 2012 in Mental Health


“Burn the ships.” said my therapist. “Huh? What does that mean?” I replied.  “It means you have no plan B to keep falling back on, you eliminate your exit strategy and make your plan A work.” he replied.  “Oh” I said, heart starting to beat faster for some reason. “When are you gonna burn the ships?”.  I just stared because I couldn’t respond.

This discourse (or a similar one) happened during a session with my therapist over a year ago.  After that, he often said the phrase “burn the ships” during my sessions. I haven’t been to my therapist in over half a year now (and I miss going something fierce), but I still hear his voice saying things to me; one of which is “When will you burn the ships?”.

*BIG OLE SIGH*

The other day curiosity got the best of me and I looked up the phrase ”burn the ships” and learned that it is a reference to Spanish explorer Hernando Cortez and the unprecedented action he took when coming to the new world. Legend has it that he arrived with 500 men on 11 ships, then, after arriving, told the men to burn the ships they came on because to leave they would have to win and would be able to leave on the adversary’s ships.  This motivated the men to win against the Aztec Empire when all others had failed for hundreds of years, due in part to the fact that they had no other option: it was win or die.  Urban legend or not, the tale has motivated many for years.

Before I get ahead of myself, let me share what topic my therapist was referencing: my day job.  I graduated from university in 1997 with a degree in business and have worked for the past 15 years in Corporate America, generally in information technology (although technically now I’m in Marketing).  I don’t like my field of work.  Not only that, I would not have gotten the degree I got from college if I felt at the time it was my choice. I did not. I did what others directed me to do, got a degree I was directed to get, and have worked for almost 1/2 my life doing the type of job I was directed to do.  That my friends, is the awful truth. Don’t get me wrong now, I’m good at my job (hence the continuity of my career and ability to get positions in my field), I just don’t care for it and am bored beyond tears.  I haven’t felt challenged or delighted in this field for longer than I can remember.

So, as you can imagine, my therapist was referencing when I’m going to stop cycling back into a career that drains my will to live just because it’s easy to do.  I couldn’t respond to him back then, and don’t know if I can right now … but I do know that I’m closer to a response today than I was when he 1st asked me.  At the time I remember clearly thinking “I can’t do that” and what I meant by “can’t” is “they won’t let me”. The “they” included all the people who in my past, and present, have advised me to stay the course, even to my psychological detriment, because it’s a “good job” and “I need to be level headed” and “[insert be-stable endorsement here]“.  Amazing how I have such a permission-based thought process in this area huh? More on that at another time.  I totally get where they are coming from and I’ve followed their advice for decades now. As a 35 year old adult with a baby on the way, bills have to be paid and responsibilities met … but as I sit here now I realize a lot of things that I did not clearly look at before:

  1. I have been getting the same advice way before any major adult responsibilities kicked in
  2. All the stay-the-course advisers are desk-bound, generally to office jobs
  3. The majority say they will “start a business one day”
  4. The majority are well off by society’s standards {meaning, prestigious office job, nice cars, nice clothes, self-sufficient etc.} yet grumble about their jobs
  5. I do not gravitate toward any of these adviser’s lives as a goal for myself
  6. Every non-ordinary-life-liver has encouraged me to “burn the ships”

Interesting huh?

To add to the discussion, I just found out this past Monday that my contract at this job will not be renewed past February.  I started this contract in March of 2010 and it was to be for 2 months. Two years later, here I sit.  I am ok with it, but not sure where the money will come from that this contract provided.  At this point all my stay-the-course advisers have told me to go get another office job immediately.  Conversely my burn-the-shippers have told me to hustle on my blogvlog, and through other venues that interest me because they know I can do it even if I’m not making the same amount as I previously was.

Interesting huh?

As an aside, why is success in our culture measured by money? That’s a different topic for a different day.

Now the question is, what will I ultimately do?  *sigh*

Am I strong enough at this point (sans therapy, hormonal, and surrounded by panicked stay-the-coursers) to hustle and make it work, when so often I’ve tried to do just that and have come up short, having to then go back to my ship (which I never burned by the way).  The thing I notice about trying and failing around stay-the-coursers is that they sure let you know about it don’t they?  I actually had someone say to me yesterday “If you were gonna do all that, why hasn’t it happened already?!”. Not only that, I notice that they tend to readily share their own stories of fear and failure that were remedied when they came to their senses and got back on the course.

I don’t know the answer to the question of my strength honestly, but I appreciate all the prayers you all can muster, EXPECIALLY if you are in the burn-the-ship dreamer that believes, even after multiple failures that anything is possible. I could really use hearing that someone believes in me over the cacophony of naysayers.

“The environment that creates winners is almost always made up of winners.”
~ Barbara Sher, Wishcraft, 1979 

Until next time Glam Fam I wish youLife, Liberty & The Pursuit of Nappyness,

~~~~~~

Disclosure: For more information about the Glamazini.com disclosure policy, click here.

 

 

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past years…

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Thumbnail image for {352} Free Therapy • Defensiveness

{352} Free Therapy • Defensiveness

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Just a quick “brain dump” about defensiveness. Enjoy: Until next time Glam Fam I wish you Life, Liberty & The Pursuit of Nappyness, @Glamazini | facebook.com/IamGlamazini | youtube.com/Glamazini | Google+ ~~~~~~ Disclosure: For more information about the Glamazini.com disclosure policy, click here. Retweet 4 Like 0 Google +1 0 StumbleUpon 0

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I’ve finally surrendered the “weekly update” to the vlogging police  and renamed it to more accurately reflect the fact that, lately, I do it whenever I please thank you very much! I hereby deem this periodic brain dump via video my Glam Fam Update!    and seeing that I sign every blog post to my “Glam [...]

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