I was told last week that I was “living from a place of fear” and trust me, I was taken aback to say the least. The context is quick: I was in my therapist office near the end of a visit, explaining why I wouldn’t/couldn’t do something (I don’t recall exactly what). He then retorts matter-o-factly “oh, that’s because you are living from a place of fear”.
I pride myself on being “fearless” and “fear free” and liberated and whatever else means I’m sans fear. I even wear a ring that says “Fear Not”. No really, I do, see:
Anyhoo, I then went on to point out that I was wearing said ring and it was not working, mostly in my usual “joke to lighten the mood” way. My therapist chuckled but the topic still remained. The mood was not lightened in my head.
I’m not gonna make this too long a post, although I know you all realize I’ve been doing more true “journaling” on my blog of late in my journey toward “life, liberty & the pursuit of nappyness” touted daily in the header. Liberty huh? It’s defined as:
[lib-er-tee] –noun, plural -ties.
1. freedom from arbitrary or despotic government or control.2. freedom from external or foreign rule; independence.3. freedom from control, interference, obligation, restriction,hampering conditions, etc.; power or right of doing, thinking,speaking, etc., according to choice.
a. free from captivity or restraint.b. unemployed; out of work.c. free to do or be as specified
Honestly I cannot argue with the man’s assessment because I know that there are places of fear that I hold that I can’t even articulate (hence purchasing a ring reminding me not to fear almost 7 years ago).
More on this later but in my pursuit of liberty and freedom from bondage I thought I’d share. I don’t have some big “what I’ve learned” revelation to share just yet … but it’s a process.
Thanks for visiting.
Life, Liberty & The Pursuit of Nappyness,
Edited to add:
Huge revelation: I don’t want the life I’m living. Now hear me out. I am blessed beyond what I deserve, but I am not where I want to be living my authentic life at this age. I’m just not. There are glimmers of me (as is expected) but otherwise I just meandered down the midwestern river with the rest of the folks into a default life and lately (well longer than lately) I been like “How did I get here? “. The bare truth is I would change somethings in my life in a heartbeat and I’ve been stuck. Why? I realized it’s because I have a “permission-based” psychology. By that I mean it’s almost like I’ve been waiting for someone to give me the ok to make certain changes. On top of that, I’ve also allowed others to tell me I can’t change certain aspects directly or indirectly and … well … I’ve complied to their commands.
Well you live, you learn, you grow and you can’t “unknow” what you know. Now I know this. I choose not to beat myself up for allowing it to occur all these years and move forward. Not sure where forward is but I’m moving there.
Or maybe I’ve been watching too much Oprah? (see there’s that mood-lifting joke again)